This is part of my story, my family history. It was published in “Chicken Soup for the Soul — All in the Family” in October 2009.
Reunited with my dad — March 23, 1995
The first letter arrived a few weeks before Christmas. My heart stopped when I saw the return address. I was pleased but apprehensive. I dropped the rest of the mail on the counter and sat down at the kitchen table.
I had written to ask him for family medical history. The reply was long. It had the information I had requested and then some. It explained a little of my past, but kept me at arm’s length. I re-read it a few times, then wept and set it aside.
Life goes on; many things sit and collect dust in the back of one’s mind. A year later, an unexpected Christmas card with a family photo arrived from his wife. She said he was busy working out of town but he would write soon.
I studied the picture. Immediately, I knew where my looks came from. I really didn’t bear much resemblance to my mother’s side of the family, but here was a man staring back at me who looked familiar in so many ways.
He had a grown son and daughter — a family of his own who looked so happy together. They wanted to get to know me. Asked if I could send a picture of my family. I wasn’t sure. Did I have the courage to go forward?
A mere week later, my aunt reminded me, “When one door closes, another opens.” I hadn’t thought of it in that way. My mom had just died. My aunt encouraged me to write back.
The reply came in February. As I read his letter, my eyes misted over. He would be in Manitoba in March. Could he and his wife stop by to see us? After almost thirty years of absence, he wanted to meet me.
Excitement, happiness, fear, and sadness washed over me all at once. My toddler wanted to know why I was crying. Not wanting to worry him, I replied, “It’s okay. They’re happy tears.” To be truthful, I had no idea what those tears represented.
Saying goodbye — July 1964
I was only two years old when they divorced. Hard as I had tried over the years, I had no memory of him. Divorce laws weren’t necessarily fair in the 1960’s. My mother did not allow any contact — no cards or letters, no phone calls, no pictures, no visits. Gifts he mailed were returned. He did not want to make a bad situation worse, so reluctantly agreed to stay away. An unselfish act in his eyes. Living two provinces away did not help.
When my mother remarried in 1966, she changed her surname, but I still retained my father’s last name. So growing up, I always knew of his existence. When you are young, you accept your life as it is. It was not until I had children of my own that I really began to question my parents’ decisions. How could have they thought this best? It was likely complicated, but no one ever offered an in-depth explanation.
Now, here I was a parent myself, feeling very much like a child all over again. I had a month to pull myself together, a month of waiting and wondering. It wasn’t as though I wouldn’t be busy. I had a two-year-old son and a newborn daughter. The end of March would be here before I knew it.
Then panic set in. Would I be ready? How would I look? How would I feel? He was coming to Manitoba in March…what if it stormed? Our farmyard always looks so bleak and unkempt that time of year. Would he get lost trying to find our place in the country? Would I have the house clean enough? Would he think I was a good parent? What if he didn’t like me? Would they stay for lunch? What would I cook for two people I didn’t know? Was this really a good idea? I was reeling. I needed to breathe…three deep breaths in and out. It wasn’t working so I tried again, slower this time. Don’t worry, I told myself. It will be fine. I needed to calm down, but couldn’t shake the anxiety and fear.
The days and weeks slipped by, and March 23rd arrived. The weather cooperated. The roads were fine. Our son and baby daughter had slept well and looked sweet and innocent. I, on the other hand, looked tired and nervous.
We watched and waited. A car pulled into the yard. They got out, opened the doors to the back seat and pulled out gift bags. They had brought presents. I had nothing for them. Lunch alone would have to do.
They saw us in the window, smiled and walked to the door. I welcomed them into our home. He put down the bags he was carrying and came up the three stairs toward me. Then the unexpected.
He reached out and hugged me. It was a big bear hug filled with emotion. It spoke volumes. I have never been hugged like that before or since. The hug said, “I’m sorry.” It conveyed, “I’ve missed you. I’m happy to see you.” It expressed, “I love you.” It made up for every missed birthday and Christmas. It explained, “I wish I had been there for all your firsts, for every accomplishment, and for every time you needed a shoulder to cry on.”
I didn’t want to let go, and it seemed he didn’t either. The hug replaced my worries with comfort. Words were not needed after all, but introductions were, and so the hug ended. It was time to relax and visit. We had a lot of catching up to do.
We visited again that summer in Alberta, then continued to call occassionaly and exchange letters. Over his time communication dwindled. His last letter to me was in November 1998. We tried to connect for a visit in 1999, but it didn’t work out. I never saw him again. He died on June 22, 2001.
Serendipity — “the fact of something interesting or pleasant happening by chance”. This beautiful painting by Kathy Bradshaw and my fictional story fit that narrative in a surreal way. As Kathy was finishing her captivating forest piece, I was writing this. Neither of us had any idea what the other was doing. In fact, while we know each other from social media, we’ve yet to even meet in person. The experience truly feels like a ‘Big Magic‘ moment. I hope you enjoy the collision of our creativity.
“I can smell the moss” — Kathy Bradshaw
Sarah quietly slipped away — away from the crowded house, away from the stories, away from the condolences. She needed to reflect on her memories in peace, needed to feel near her Gran.
She walked down the garden pathway, through the horse pasture, along the fence line until she reached ‘their’ tree. Two intertwined hearts were still on its trunk. She paused a moment, her fingers tracing the worn etchings, lovingly inscribed by Gran all those years ago, “So you’ll always remember the way, even when I’m not here.”
Oh Gran…I’ll always remember the way, and the very first time you brought me here.
I was so upset that day. My parents once again exasperated with me, “Why are you crying this time?”
Gran looked at me and softly said, “Come along.” She saw me, understood me, didn’t try to change me, “I love you just as you are!” She took my hand, guiding me quietly and gently down what would become a familiar, comforting trail.
I cautiously followed her on the narrowing path, large, lush, green ferns brushing against us. Then the clearing opened before us, so welcoming, so magical. Sunlight filtered through trees, dancing on the moss-covered floor. Tiny blue flowers, “Bluebells,” Gran said, swayed gently in the grass beneath the trees. It felt like we’d entered a secret, enchanted forest.
And so, it had become their place, their private forest oasis — where it was safe to cry, be upset or excited, to feel all her emotions without judgement. Gran listened, nurtured and loved. She taught Sarah about birds, insects, animals, about trees, moss, ferns and wildflowers. She encouraged imagination and creativity.
They would lean against the trees or stretch out on the soft bed of moss. Sometimes they read or Gran would tell stories while whittling tiny perfect carvings. Sarah would colour or draw. As time went on, she began painting, exploring with watercolour and pastels.
One year Gran bought her a camera, and Sarah’s love of photography began. Behind the lens she became skilled in the art of noticing, of being present and immersed in what was in before her, and with while doing so, her anxiety would dissipate.
Even though it meant moving away, she had been encouraged by Gran to go to university. Little did Sarah know at the time, that it would be for more than four years — that her work would take her around the world, photographing people, animals, buildings, monuments, and landscapes she never could have imagined as a girl. Gran cheered her from afar, and when her health allowed, she would travel to Sarah’s openings and exhibits, proudly beaming and telling anyone who would listen, “That talented young woman is my granddaughter. She sees and captures what we may miss.”
Sarah bought Gran a digital photo frame to keep up with her latest travels and projects. Weekly phone calls or video chats kept them connected, and she came home as often as she could. Then, no matter the season, Sarah and Gran would make time to visit in their special place in the forest — to catch up, reconnect or simply just sit, listen and observe. This was, and would forever be, her favourite landscape.
Various photographs from here and her expansive collection had found their way into children’s hospitals, daycares, schools, shelters and even youth detention centres. Her intent was to do what she could through her art to decrease anxiety for children while invoking a feeling of calm and safety, especially those in difficult situations.
With time and success, she’d been able to accomplish this, at no cost to the organizations, through her own non-profit organization — the “H3 Art Network”, in honour of Gran. When Sarah suggested it be, “Helen’s Healing HeArt Network”, Gran quickly declared that name was far too long. After much debate, Gran finally agreed to the H3 abbreviation.
Over the years, many prints, canvases, and even custom door wraps had made their way into countless spaces. At Gran’s suggestion, H3 also expanded to work with senior centres, assisted living associations, personal care homes, hospitals, health care facilities and hospices.
Sarah never imagined her vibrant Gran being in any of those places, especially a hospice. Yet it happened. Gran requested her favourite photo be hung in the common room — “as large as life please!” It was impossible not to smile at her determination and enthusiasm.
It was one Sarah had captured with her first camera. When spring was ebbing into summer. When the greens were vibrant and varied. When sunlight danced playfully on the carpet of moss. When the bluebells swayed in the grass. At that moment, when Gran and Sarah had entered the clearing, they’d both stopped, captivated by the beauty of it all — almost afraid to take another step or speak and break the spell of the tranquility and perfection before them.
Sarah loved that photo too, but the file was too small to print the size Gran hoped for, so she enlisted the help of a dear friend and talented painter. The canvas was ‘as large as life’ and the re-creation of the photo was beyond what Sarah could have wished. The texture, the colours, the details perfectly portrayed the photo and captured the emotion of their special forest retreat.
When it came time to hang it, she wheeled Gran out of her room and watched her reaction as it was unveiled. Her face lit up in amazement, “Oh Sarah dear, it’s like we’re there again! I can see the bluebells. I can feel the breeze. I can smell the moss.”
A week later, her beloved Gran, her coach, her cheerleader and life instructor was gone. Sarah wasn’t sure how she could carry on, but she knew going back to their spot was what she needed to do now, and it would always be so, whenever she needed to feel her Gran’s presence.
In memory of my Uncle Bob, born on May 12, 1940. He passed away in 2007. Great Blue Herons frequented the family farm where he spent the last several years of his life, but this is the only time we’ve ever had one visit our farmyard.
Photo credit: Scott Sime
The Visitor
Immersed in my thoughts, I weed, trim, turn soil. My flower beds, a refuge from the sadness in my heart. Yet another loss, not unexpected, but still…
An unfamiliar sound — I look up. So very close, a Great Blue Heron, large wings slowly beating, balancing precariously on slender tree branch.
I sit back, mesmerized, as it watches me. An unlikely visitor to my backyard. I slowly stand, take soft steps, draw closer.
In a moment, it takes flight, crosses above me, lights on lofty perch, gazes back my way. I am spellbound.
Could it be him… I quietly watch my extraordinary guest, admire graceful wings extending, as it lifts off for farewell flight.
High above the barn and tall spruces, towards the setting sun. An incredible sight… I am so blessed.
It has been a week since the Final Farewell and celebration of life for my dear friend, Claire. Our friendship, cultivated over 30 years, was rich with laughter, joy and a touch of mischief. We didn’t allow cancer to steal that and continued to celebrate life, share laughter and lattes, and create memories which will always make me smile. 💞
But grief is difficult to navigate, and at times overwhelming. So often when someone dies the message we hear is, “Rest in Peace”. I have never liked that phrase, and even less so, the acronym “RIP”. So instead, I penned and posted this letter. The response was overwhelming. We all need to find a way to carry our grief, and this has helped me, as well as others who loved her.
Dear Claire,
You know me, always the rebel…I don’t want you to rest in peace. I know…can you believe it?
I want you to laugh. I want you to breathe and move with ease. Free of pain at last, I want you to golf, garden, walk and ride your bike. I want you to cruise in the ’66, windows down, music blasting. I want you to have shopping, lunch and movie dates. I want you to wander through your flower garden as you sip your morning coffee. I want you to enjoy a glass of wine, or two, as you watch sunsets from your favourite balcony in Maui.
I want you to look others in the eye and truthfully say, “I’m fine,” or better yet, “I’m fabulous!” I want your treasured moments of solitude to be free of worry and concern. I want you to sleep only because you are tired from a day well spent.
All those things cancer stole from you, I want you to have back. No resting easy for you my friend. I want you to be joyful, content and happy. I want you to do whatever you damn well please, whenever you want. And just maybe you can find a friend or two, to stir up trouble with…but only the good kind, of course! 😉
Swirls of wispy clouds dance in stunning summer sky. Lush grass cools bare toes and feet. Laughter bubbles as he runs, arms outstretched, swerving, turning, circling – “Look Mom, I’m an airplane!” I join in, follow his lead ’til we collapse, giggling, smiling, cuddling… enchanting moment of pure joy…
I look up at the nurse, tears streaming down my face, holding his tiny hand in mine. “Okay,” I whisper, “let him fly…” Monitors go silent, all is still and quiet, except my breaking heart…
For as much as death is a part of life, we frequently get it wrong when attempting to offer comfort. Support often needs no words. We can be there for each other and simply allow the grief.
Final Farewell
A river of cards swells across the dining room table. Overwhelming sadness grips my heart. Sympathetic words echo in my mind. Some offer comfort; others try… “The suffering is over.” “It was meant to be.” “She’s at peace now.” “It’s a blessing.” Why do they feel the need to rationalize death? No amount of logic will fill the vast emptiness I feel. I have lost someone I love. Allow me my sorrow. Allow me my tears. Allow me to grieve. In time, I will move on, but not yet, not today… It is time to reflect on a lifetime of memories, to celebrate the time we had together, to say a final painful farewell.